making the unknown my best friend

i can't believe that the unknown has arrived to haunt my spirit AGAIN, shaking the ground i think of as sturdy and unshakable. today, i am reminded that i am invincible. i am aware of the subtleties of my finitude. the other day i walked by a van and said this person can run me over with their car. i walked by a person and said this person in a moments notice can choke me and leave me for dead. how morbid are these thoughts right? my imagination is pushing the limits of my thoughts but conscious that my connection to humanity relies on faith, and everyday is a testament of survival. thank God.

my kindred sisters came to visit me this weekend, distracting me from the shadow, the persistent call within me to withdraw. i did not want to acknowledge the mountain that stood before me. i did not want to mourn the end of a season. i wanted to hold on so bad. but alas, the kindred spirits are gone, and the void i tried to fill with their presence is now apparent.

the rains have finally come, literally (and figuratively). i can't name the feeling just yet, and i don't know the future, leaving the unknown tattooed as the present. i can see the past and wave to it, and now i stand in this: neutrality. am i here because i want to be? or am i just here?

to cure from the angst of seasonal changes and general wetness, i might need to take monthly vacations to LA where the sun shines bright but the fumes are toxic. you really can't have it all.

to cure my resistance to the unknown, i have to accept that it is and will always be a part of absolutely everything I do. it has never left. the unknowness that feels incomprehensible, makes me the most uncomfortable. the unknown the recedes like a horizon and teases me when i get close only to move forward, just when i think i understand. surrendering to the mysteries of what God is what faith is all about. revelation comes through invitation, openness, a nonsensical willingness. this broken spirit, this doubting resistant thing within me that is struggling with the very mystery of life and the question WHY? i am hoping this means i am at the brink of something BIG. whatever the unknown i must hold it close, get to know it, in this mystery there are answers. and in the answers are revelations if i so choose to embark on the journey. as a fatal optimist, there lies my faith.