afraid of failure

school has always been an important part of my life. i can't imagine a time when school was not the central focus, the entity in which i funneled all my attention, energy, birthing timeless passions to start many revolutions. i'm still waiting for one to take off. i'm feeling the failure today or shortcomings of days past. (but, remember you are accomplished) really? but am i, you think so? growing up, the expectations of teachers thrilled me, the norm of institutions gave me a structure, a discipline i rarely had at home but intensely longed. i have allowed school to be a major source of worry and stress silently abusing my public. invisible knots of stress paralyze me. it is an unhealthy way to live. yesterday, i scoffed at co-workers who make their job the center of their lives, how can this be, i asked? why must you take your work home? instead of checking myself, i checked others to make myself feel better about myself. i do not have the necessity to be stuck in an office or to be indoors somewhere putting in work to get a penny paycheck. instead, i have taken out loans and because of this debt i receive money every quarter to think. i get green paper to work on myself. it's a privilege i have that many don't and yet i have allowed the stress to kill me, knotting up my shoulders. the wrinkles on my face feel it most, and the zits on my forehead yell at me to STOP. the gray hair speaks loudly of abuse. i could be exaggerating about the gray hair, but really its either gray or glittery. i am abusing my body, and it is abusing me. the limits i put on my mind, and body are real. make no time for prayer, contemplation, and i allow distractions to move me down the river. it is counter river stream that i am headed. today enough is enough. off kilter because i refuse to talk to my Maker. instead i choose to get lost, and yet i am back home, where i started 9 hours ago. faithful that i was going in the right direction, but i went around the world and back right to where i started. its the beginning of a new quarter. up counter culture stream i go.